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THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 

NEW YORK • BOSTON • CHICAGO • DALLAS 
ATLANTA • SAN FRANCISCO 

MACMILLAN & CO., Limited 

LONDON • BOMBAY • CALCUTTA 
MELBOURNE 

THE MACMILLAN CO. OF CANADA, Ltd. 

TORONTO 



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Earnestly compiled by 

OWEN WISTER, LL. D., L. H. D. 

Member of the American Academy of Arts 
and Letters and corresponding member 
of the Societe des Gens de Lettres 



with careful charts by 

GEORGE HOWE, B.A., A.I.A. 

Architecte Diplome par le Gouvernement Frangais 



New York 
THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 

1921 

All rights reserved 



PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 



fSss^ 






COPYRJOHT 19a: 

By THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 

Set up and electrotyped. Published November, 1921 



NOV 30 1921 



FERRJ9 

PRINTINC COMPANY 

NEW YORK CITY 

O)0!.A63O515 



TO 
MY PARSEE 

MATILDA MARKOE 



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PREFACE 

For the idea of this book 
The reader is urged to look 
At Biographies for Beginners, 
By a couple of British sinners. 



GEORGE WASHINGTON 

In crises demanding truth 
Washington was over-indulged in youth. 
When he said: "I can not tell a lie," 
They neglected to make him try. 



THOMAS JEFFERSON 

When T. Jefferson finished the Declaration 
He would have felt but scanty elation 
Could he have foreseen that the end meant 
Anything like the 1 8th Amendment. 



tftf 



BENJAMIN FRANKLIN 

It is reported that Benjamin Franklin 
With envy and hate is ranklin' 
Because Marconi 
Makes such piles of money. 



ALEXANDER HAMILTON 

When Hamilton challenged Burr 
He addressed him as "Sir"; 
We should be scrupulously polite 
When we fight. 



ANDREW JACKSON 

To most persons Andrew Jackson means 
The Battle of New Orleens — 
Which pronunciation 
Fills the Creoles with indignation. 




c 



COMMODORE PERRY 

Although Commodore Perry 

Often went fishing in a wherry, 

It was upon no such trip 

That he remarked, "Don't give up the ship." 



BRIGHAM YOUNG 

Brigham Young 

Has been described by pen and tongue; 
But who has attempted to draw 
Any picture of his mothers-in-law? 



COMMODORE DECATUR 

Commodore Decatur 

Never said that he invented The Equator. 
"As for Old Glory, I'll never fail her,*' 
Declared this unassuming sailor. 



GENERAL GRANT 

It is possible that General Grant 

May have had an Aunt; 

But nobody maintains 

That she was associated with his campaigns. 



THEODORE ROOSEVELT 

Theodore Roosevelt hurled 
The American fleet around the world. 
Some Admirals on shore said T. R. 
Had gone entirely too far. 



ADMIRAL SIMS 

Admiral Sims 
Sang several Irish hymns 
About zebras and jackasses. 
They occasioned fracases. 



WOODROW WILSON 

Of this country while President 
Mr. Wilson was frequently a resident 
It is now rumored that he contemplates 
Settling in the United States. 



HENRY CABOT LODGE 

An erratic view sets 

Senator Lodge down as born in Massachusetts. 
It is coming to be known that the stork 
Deposited him in Cork. 



WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN 

Mr. Bryan 

Must be as bold as any lion. 
When addressing Chautauqua 
He intrepidly declines to talk war. 



WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST 

Mr. William Randolph Hearst 
Never could do his worst. 
This would have discouraged most men; 
But he tried it again and again. 



MR. BAKER AND MR. DANIELS 

Mr. Baker, Secretary of War, 
Reasoned with soldiers who swore; 
While Mr. Daniels, Secretary of thy, Nave 
Fed profane seamen on gravy. 



W. G. McADOO 

Mr. McAdoo, Secretary of the Treasury, 
Never said with what pleasure he 
Would, if so the Nation choose, 
Wear his father-in-law's shoes. 



SENATORS JOHNSON AND BORAH 

Hiram Johnson says that — 
Should be cleared out to a man. 
Borah of Idaho 
Likewise says so. 



SENATOR LaFOLLETTE 

Senator LaFollette 
is easily to be met; 
Just write him a note, 
Enclosing a German vote. 



THE MISSOURI COMPROMISE 

Many in the fifties found it wise 

To avoid reference to the Missouri Compromise; 

Most of us may 

Unhesitatingly mention it to-day. 



WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT 

Mr. Taft 

When he fell down always laughed. 

He said that he found it best 

To take serious matters in jest. 



ELIHU ROOT et al 

Senator Root 

Was invited to lunch by Senator Smoot, 

Which caused Senator Owen 

To regret that he wasn't goin\ 



SENATOR NORRIS 

Senator Norris 
Never met the poet Horace: 
You see, Nebraska is a State 
They admitted too late. 



COLONEL HOUSE 

Colonel House 

Would never attend a carouse. 

Said he, jocosely: "My principles are set 

Against any bank-wet." 



Charles Francis Adams swore 

He would not speak Latin any more. 

When they said: "What will you consent to 

speak?" 
He replied: "Certainly not Greek." 






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T.OO\S5 * 




ADAM 

It has been asked when Adam 
Began to address Eve as "Madam." 
Some think it was after the Fall; 
Others contend he never did it at all. 



MOSES 

That poker was played by Moses 

No one seriously supposes. 

I am afraid 

We shall never know what he played. 



ZOROASTER 

Zoroaster 

Invariably wore a lumbago plaster, 
Though all his biographers omit 
To mention it. 



JUSTIN MARTYR 

Justin Martyr 

Inadvertently mislaid his garter; 
He mentioned it to Saint Augustine, 
But the article hadn't been seen. 



THE GOOD KING DAGOBERT 

In reversing his trousers, Dagobert 
Must have exposed some shirt: 
A supposition which fills 
Earnest dress-reformers with chills. 



GALILEO 

Galileo was well thought of until 
He denied that the world stood still. 
It was then that he began 
To displease the Vatican. 



CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS 

Columbus was accepted as sane; 

But he set out for the Spanish Main 

Asserting the earth to be round: 

That made people ask if he were quite sound. 



WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE 

When Shakespeare was forsaken 

By those who preferred Bacon, 

It isn't generally known 

That he asked J. P. Morgan for a loan. 



NAPOLEON BONAPARTE 

Some say that Bonaparte 
Knew Caesar's Commentaries by heart. 
I can state that I have met boys 
Whom this work definitely annoys. 



EDGAR ALLEN POE 

Edgar Allen Poe 

Never could bear Harriet Beecher Stowe. 
He said that she would talk about slaves 
When he wanted to talk about graves. 




^ „ 



RICHARD WAGNER 

When he began the Ring 

Wagner had never learned how to sing ; 

When he had finished 

This deficiency was not diminished. 



JAY GOULD 

The late Jay Gould 
Had his stock-holders fooled. 
They grew very weary 
Waiting for dividends in Erie. 



ROBERT BROWNING 

The poet Browning 
Was in the act of drowning, 
When he fell in with George Sand. 
That decided him to land. 



ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE 

Algernon Swinburne once wrote 

An anonymous letter to Mr. Choate, 

In which he very kindly offered to show him 

How to write an erotic poem. 



THOMAS EDISON 

Thomas Edison made a machine 

By which people's thoughts could be seen; 

But he smashed it at once. 

Thomas was no dunce. 



JOHN PHILIP SOUSA 

By building a new house 
Sousa deeply incensed Richard Strauss : 
He said that the Yankee musician 
Should be taught his position. 



HAROLD BELL WRIGHT 

Harold Bell Wright 
Finishes a novel every night, 
Except Sundays. 
So he finishes two on Mondays. 



GABRIEL D'ANNUNZIO 

Upon getting into Fiume, cTAnnunzio 

Exclaimed: "Here's a go!" 

The Entente found the word 

In questionable taste, if not absurd. 



THE BIG FOUR 

The Big Four looked for good behavior 
On the part of Jugo-Slavia. 
They based their calculations 
On the League of Nations. 



DAVID LLOYD GEORGE 

Mr. Lloyd George was starting for a walk 

When he began to talk. 

That's the way 

It got put off till the next day. 



RAND McNALLY 

That Rand McNally makes maps 

You may have heard, perhaps. 

That's why he always smiles 

When they mention the Treaty of Versailles. 



JOHN SARGENT AND MISS BEAUX 

John Sargent once painted 

A man so veraciously that the man fainted. 

Cecilia Beaux said, "That ain't 

The way to paint." 



THE W. C. T. U. 

It is hard to say what the W. C. T. U. 
Will do: 

It has driven the Nation to drink. 
What next, do you think? 



MISS LOWELL 

When Amy Lowell wrote some verse 
Rather freely about a hearse, 
They said to her: "Does it strike you 
That the corpse will be apt to like you? 



99 



tfW*i. 




EPILOGUE 

We feel that this is enough at present 
For the minds of the adolescent. 
Therefore further facts worthy of mention 
Are withheld from their attention. 



ETHICAL INDEX 

We do not understand why the person who said that the boy is 
father of the man did not also say that the girl is mother of the woman. 
Is she not? Then why leave her out? This little book tries to be fair 
to all, regardless of sex. As a glance will disclose, it is purely moral. 
It is designed to help parents, teachers and guardians of any sex in the 
care of the young of any sex, and it repudiates all reactionary distinctions 
based on mere gender. It is offered to the home and the school as a 
manual of character building; to make it as comprehensive as possible, 
History has been surveyed from the Garden of Eden to the League 
of Nations. The aim of the little work is to make people grow up good, 
not great. We regard greatness as an insult to equality, and we give 
no encouragement to the barren achievements of genius. Would you 
not prefer that your little boy, or your little girl, or your little whatever 
it is, should grow to manhood, or womanhood, or whatever it will be, 
displaying (for instance) the deep insight and self-effacing patriotism 
of a member of congress (whatever its sex) rather than the frivolous 
tendencies of (for instance) a Shakespeare? Therefore, when Shakes- 
peare and other such afflicted persons are mentioned in these pages, 
it is either as a warning or because in spite of their deplorable lives 
their conduct has at times been worthy of imitation. 

Abnegation may serve best interests of humanity Edison 

Absentmindedness. . . . may defeat good intentions Lloyd George 

Acquisitiveness important to captains of transportation . . . Gould 

Activity . commendable in mind and body Browning 

Altruism never out of place Swinburne 

Ambition should always be lofty McAdoo 

(and see also W. C. T. U.) 

American Army should be humanely treated .... Baker & Daniels 

ditto Navy disturbing abuse of Roosevelt 

ditto ditto should be suitably dieted Baker & Daniels 

ditto Parents. . . .culpable irresponsibility of Washington 

ditto Patriot should always be modest Decatur 



American Statesman. . deprived of advantages by habitat Norris 

ditto ditto opinions affected by birth place Lodge 

ditto ditto should always be sociable Root 

ditto ditto should always be approachable La Follette 

Antipathy justifiable when directed against pedantry. . Adams 

Astronomy should not be carried too far Galileo 

Balance regrettably absent in judicial nature Taft 

ditto lack of may prove a timely spur Shakespeare 

Business sense should never die Franklin 

ditto may occur even in poetic nature Shakespeare 

Carelessness in biographers Zoroaster 

(and see Young and Shakespeare) 

ditto in early fathers of church Justin Martyr 

Caution to be exercised in signing letters Swinburne 

Capsicum early use of Zoroaster 

Conservatism overtakes sailors on shore Roosevelt 

Constructiveness rare instance of in musician Sousa 

Costume should not be conspicuous in males Dagobert 

Courage should always adorn the educator Bryan 

Courtesy graceful between belligerents Hamilton 

Credulity to be avoided by investors Gould 

ditto in panaceas The Big Four 

Dignity in rebuke of jokers D'Annunzio 

Domicile should not be hastily chosen Wilson 

ditto may contract world experience Norris 

Education flouted by arrogant musician Wagner 

ditto reformed by prominent Bostonian Adams 

ditto of plain people commendable Bryan 

Economy sought in foot wear McAdoo 

Egotism Petulant indulgence in Poe 

Envy characteristic of genius Sousa 

Ethnology the foundation of peace The Big Four 

Exercise opportunist postponement of Lloyd George 

Family ties should never influence official responsibility. Grant 

ditto should not be ignored by biographers Young 



Firmness apt exercise of Adams 

(and see Bryan) 

Flippancy always out of place D'Annunzio 

Foresight not invariable in statesmen Jefferson 

Government should be maternal W. C. T. U. 

Health attention to essential for leaders Zoroaster 

Hope often apparent in investors Gould 

Human nature . -: understood by Edison 

Humor defensive use of House 

ditto present even in geographers McNally 

Imitation happy case of Johnson & Borah 

Impatience a sign of vanity Poe 

Indiscretion not advisable in free verse Lowell 

Industry displayed by creator of epics Wright 

Intemperance in language to be discouraged. . .Baker & Daniels 

Intolerance unworthy display of Poe 

Inventiveness must not tamper with nature's secrets. . .Edison 

Irritability never helps Jackson 

Jealousy too common in artists Sargent & Beaux 

Knowledge insufficiently imparted Jackson 

Latin repudiated by the adult Adams 

ditto ditto by the immature Bonaparte 

Legislation variable in psychological reactions 

The Missouri Compromise 

Loquacity a source of friction Poe 

Matrimony Vicissitudes of may be mere gossip Adam 

Mathematics heretical abuse of Galileo 

Mediaevalism in toilet to be discouraged Dagobert 

Memory retentive in military mind Bonaparte 

Militarism tactfully restrained Baker & Daniels 

Multiplicity matrimonial imperfectly chronicled Young 

Mystery often surrounds great personalities Moses 

ditto ditto conjugal life Adam 



Narrowness regrettable in artists • Sargent & Beaux 

Naturalization carefully deliberated Wilson 

Nebraska too recent for complete cosmopolitanism. . .Norris 

Normalcy .restored by female influence Browning 

Obstinacy natural reward of Galileo 

Optimism cheerful display of Taf t 

(and see The Big Four) 

Painters. ruthless quality in Sargent & Beaux 

Patience may be acquired through investments Gould 

Patriotism commendable always in men of action. . .Decatur 

ditto ditto ditto in men of reflection 

Johnson & Boran 

Perseverance an ornament to man of letters Hearst 

Pessimism cured by sudden shock Browning 

Piety beautiful in epic creator Wright 

Plagiarism apparent not real Perry 

Prejudice never edifying Jackson 

Profanity we should always try to cure it in others 

Baker & Daniels 

Pronunciation a supposed test of breeding Jackson 

Prophetic gift lack of favors serenity Jefferson 

Psychology sometimes defective in diplomats. . .The Big Four 

Purism is it worth while? Jackson 

Querulousness of poets Poe 

Quixotism in scientist Edison 

Rashness of statement to be avoided McAdoo 

ditto ditto not resisted D' Annunzio 

Recreation needful in posts of responsibility Moses 

Reform instinct for strong in females W. C. T. IT. 

Regularity marks highest genius Wright 

Relatives must not hamper men of action Grant 

ditto by marriage should count Young 

Resourcefulness can occur in poets Shakespeare 

Restlessness not necessarily incurable Wilson 

Rheumatism known to ancients Zoroaster 



Satire edifying restraint of McNally 

Seafaring generates undesirable vocabulary . Baker & Daniels 

Secretiveness justifiable employment of Moses 

Self never to be considered Bryan 

Self-determination. . . . should regulate birth-place Lodge 

Soldiering like seafaring, which see Baker & Daniels 

Sport valuable in forming character Perry 

Star-gazing deleterious to orthodoxy Galileo 

Subject important in poetry Lowell 

Temper should usually be kept Jackson 

Temerity its inevitable consequences Columbus 

Unpreparedness flagrant case of Wagner 

Uplift rescues public from dangers of iced water 

W. C. T. U. 

Valor essential to publicists Bryan 

Veracity abused in art Sargent & Beaux 

Words can thwart deeds Lloyd George 

Zeal noble case of in male nature Hearst 

ditto ditto female nature W. C. T. U. 



